


Holy Fuck, Bruce Wayne

by hwanhee



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Chatting & Messaging, F/F, M/M, Multi, Texting, superheroes no exist theyre a big happy family and canon isnt entirely real
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-07-18 20:13:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16125893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hwanhee/pseuds/hwanhee
Summary: In which they're a slightly happy family.





	1. Dick Grayson has Created A Group Chat

**[Dick Grayson has created a group chat!]**

**[Dick Grayson has added Tim Drake, Jason Todd, Barbara Gordon, Stephanie Brown, Cassandra Cain, and Damian Wayne!]**

**Dick Grayson:** ok nice

 **Jason Todd:** oh god

 **Cassandra Cain:** is this everyone who lives in the house

**[Damian Wayne has added Bruce Wayne to the group chat!]**

**Stephanie Brown:** fuck i cant belie ve we forgot dad

 **Tim Drake:** dad

 **Dick Grayson:** dad

 **Cassandra Cain:** dad

 **Barbara Gordon:** dad

 **Damian Wayne:** father

 **Stephanie Brown:** dad

 **Jason Todd:** daddy

**[Bruce Wayne has left the group chat!]**

**Jason Todd:** lets leav eit like this

**[Tim Drake has changed the group chat name to weebs!]**

**Barbara Gordon:** That's just you, no?

 **Cassandra Cain:** pretty sure Jason has an anime body pillow

 **Jason Todd:** sHeS LOVEly 

 **Damian Wayne:** what the fuck

 **Dick Grayson:** dont judge him  
 **Dick Grayson:** i caught you watching that volleyball anime the other day

 **Damian Wayne:** it was ONE episode

 **Stephanie Brown:** i caught you hanging out with caitlyn the other day

 **Tim Drake:** rebecca it's not what you think!!

 **Stephanie Brown:** I WONT HESITATE BITCH

 **Barbara Gordon:** I'm about to leave this group chat.

**[Dick Grayson has changed the group chat name to Wayne Manor!]**

**[Tim Drake has changed Damian Wayne's nickname to Demon!]**

**[Cassandra Cain has changed their nickname to Black Bat!]**

**[Stephanie Brown has changed their nickname to Best Girl!]**

**[Dick Grayson has changed Jason Todd's nickname to Emo!]**

**[Barbara Gordon has changed their nickname to Save Me!]**

**[Tim Drake has changed their nickname to No Sleep!]**

**[Demon has changed Dick Grayson's nickname to Dad 2.0!]**

**Dad 2.0:** that was a lot of notifications

 **Demon:** watch yourself, drake

 **No Sleep:** fight Me yoU four inch eraser 

 **Emo:** what kind of fucking insult was that

 **Best Girl:** hes trying

 **Emo:** not hard enough

 **Save Me:** I'm not surprised.

 **Black Bat:** do we have any cereal left

 **Demon:** does anyone know where alfred the cat is

 **Dad 2.0:** i think we ran out of cereal

 **Emo:** your cat is with me

 **Demon:** why

 **Emo:** uhh you tell ME

 **Save Me:** ask the cat

 **Emo:** i dont speak cat

 **Best Girl:** i do what he say

 **Emo:** he said meow

 **Best Girl:** it means fuck you jason go do the goddamn dishes like you said you would its been three hours

 **Emo:** FUCK OFF

 **Black Bat:** am i allowed to leave

 **Dad 2.0:** no :(((

 **Black Bat:** that leave button looking really good right about now

 **No Sleep:** do you think the adults have a similar chat

 **Black Bat:** probably

 **Save Me:** I bet 10 cents.

 **Emo:** alfred left me

 **Demon:** like your parents

 **Emo:** FUCK

 **Best Girl:** where did you go demon boy

 **Demon:** hold on

**[Demon has changed Best Girl's nickname to Dumb Bitch!]**

**Dumb Bitch:** YOU KNOW WHAT  
 **Dumb Bitch:** u rite u rite

 **Demon:** i was in another chat by the way

 **No Sleep:** damian has friends that isn't his family that's forced to interact with him?

 **Demon:** i want to be mad but you are correct

 **No Sleep:** oh shit what

 **Emo:** hey damian mother's day is coming up what are you doing

 **Demon:** it's  
 **Demon:** october

 **Emo:** damn

 **Dad 2.0:** can ya'll refrain from dead sad parent jokes

 **Dumb Bitch:** thats literally the only sense of humor we have

 **Dad 2.0:** carry on i guess

 **Black Cat:** back up group chat with who

 **Demon:** my project group for biology 

 

**[10 Missed Notifications - The Mitochrondria is the power house of the cell]**

**Billy:** hey damian heard of ligma

 **Damian:** ligma balls

 **Billy:** frick

 **Damian:** ever been to sawcon?

 **Billy:** no ? whats that

 **Damian:** sawcon deez nuts

 **Billy:** ARE YOU KIDDING ME

 **Colin:** jeez billy i really thought you knew that one

 **Maya:** guys can we stop with this for like five seconds

 **Damian:** i agree

 **Jon:** let's meet up at dami's place

 **Damian:** no

 **Jon:** :(

 **Maya:** he does have the biggest house

 **Damian:** no

 **Billy:** aw come on

 **Colin:** yeah

 **Jon:** omg yes, i want to meet your many siblings

 **Damian:** oh god

 **Billy:** yo what how many

 **Maya:** what like 3?

 **Jon:** four

 **Damian:** three brothers, one sister

 **Billy:** how many younger tho

 **Damian:** all older

 **Billy:** NICE

 **Damian:** not nice

 **Colin:** so damian's house it is

 **Damian:** no wait a minute

 **Maya:** we'll be there in an hour

 **Damian:** have you stopped listening to me, i said no

 **Jon:** see you later, dami!!!!

 

**[50+ Missed Notifications - Wayne Manor]**

**Emo:** and thats now i met your mother

 **Demon:** who's mother

 **Emo:** wait  
 **Emo:** were you not here this entire time

 **Dad 2.0:** what

 **Black Bat:** Jason you've been telling a story to Damian who wasn't even here

 **Demon:** what story

 **Emo:** um  
 **Emo:** nothing

 **No Sleep:** can i say it

 **Emo:** no

 **No Sleep:** fine

 **Save Me:** Jason has no power over me  
 **Save Me:** jason met your mom once

 **Demon:** oh?

 **Emo:** yeah said hi and then left...yes

 **Save Me:** You know what, let's leave it at that  
 **Save Me:** He'll figure it out

 **Demon:** uh anyways, my group is coming over in an hour so stay in your rooms and don't do anything stupid

 **No Sleep:** i just got a text from kon that jon is coming over and he wants to meet us

 **Dad 2.0:** AW I WANT TO MEET HIM TOO

 **Demon:** no, stay in your room

 **Black Bat:** can i meet them too

 **Demon:** no, please, stay in your designated areas called  _your rooms_

 **Save Me:** You can't tell me what to do

 **Dumb Bitch:** 'bout to pull up some embarrassing stories about damian haha

 **Demon:** like?

 **Dumb Bitch:** you know that-- no wait that was tim  
 **Dumb Bitch:** fuck and the other one was dick

 **Dad 2.0:** i got cute stories  
 **** **Dad 2.0:** cute-ish sad-ish

 **Dumb Bitch:** why are all of our stories sad

 **No Sleep:** that's how bruce picks his kids

 **Black Bat:** or you just show up out of the blue after ten years and be like "hey im your son"

 **Demon:** thanks

 **Black Bat:** you're welcome

 **Emo:** ill introduce them to my body pillow

 **Demon:** stop, we all know it's roy harper's body pillow that he left in your room

 **No Sleep:** oh shit wait what i thought jason just really liked anime

 **Save Me:** If anyone here watches anime, it's Damian and Cass.

 **Black Bat:** you have no proof

**Save Me:** [proof.jpg]

**Black Bat:** oh

 **Dad 2.0:** i can't wait for dami's friends! 

 **Demon:** i can


	2. Pet the Good Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dad 2.0: billy just yelled....'im gay'  
> Dad 2.0: what a big mood
> 
> Emo: OMG I RELATE
> 
> Dumb Bitch: ha gay
> 
> Emo: youre dating cass
> 
> Dumb Bitch: ha im gay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nicknames in case you forgot + some new ones  
> Save Me: Babs  
> Dad 2.0: Dick  
> Emo: Jason  
> No Sleep: Tim  
> Black Bat: Cass  
> Dumb Bitch: Steph  
> Demon/Angry Boy♡: Damian  
> Super Boy: Jon

**[5:01 PM - Wayne Manor]**

**Black Bat:** Damian's friends are here

 **Dad 2.0:** but where's dami

 **Dumb Bitch:** idk he said hell be back

 **Dad 2.0:** he didn't say where he was going

 **Dumb Bitch:** no he just said ill be back and walked out

 **Save Me:** Find him, I'm trying to keep them entertained for now.

 **Emo:** demon hunting, sammy let's go

 **No Sleep:** who's sammy

 **Emo:** its a supernatural reference....

 **No Sleep:** OH  
**No Sleep:** but who's your sam

 **Emo:** you are  
**Emo:** lets fckin go find a demon

 

**[Super Boy to Angry Boy♡]**

**Super Boy:** dami where are you?  
**Super Boy:** your family is really nice  
**Super Boy:** damian??  
**Super Boy:** is everything ok??

 **Angry Boy♡:** oh shit  
**Angry Boy♡:** i completely forgot, tell everyone that i'm on my way back

 

**[6:00 PM - Wayne Manor]**

**Emo:** i was sent on a wild goose chase

 **Dad 2.0:** well he's back now

 **Save Me:** BACK WITH A DOG!! WHO LET HIM GO

 **Dumb Bitch:** is this kid allowed to have pets

 **Dad 2.0:** he's like a mini bruce but with animal

 **Demon:** we're going to work, don't be annoying and look after titus or just let him do whatever he wants

 **No Sleep:** you already named that thing

 **Demon:** yes, and i expect you would treat him with care unless you want to die

 **Emo:** can i die now

 **Demon:** after my project is completed, i'll arrange your end

 **Emo:** damian is the only one i can trust now

 **Dad 2.0:** when is bruce coming home and how do we tell him that damian got himself a dog

 **Save Me:** This could work actually, like a service dog expect he will be trained by Damian

 **Dumb Bitch:** what about alfred

 **Save Me:** Alfred helps Damian sleep, so he helps in a way

 **Black Bat:** guys holy shit Titus is so sweet

 **No Sleep:** have you been playing with him this entire time

 **Black Bat:** yes, if you want your day to go from good to great, please play with Titus

 **Emo:** cant pass up a good boy omw

 **Black Bat:** LOOK AT HIM  
**Black Bat:** [thebestboy.jpg]

 **No Sleep:** must...resist...i have a thesis to do....

 **Black Bat:** pet the good boy

 **Emo:** pet the good boy

 **Dumb Bitch:** fuck your thesis come pet the good boy

 **Dad 2.0:** completely off-topic but did you know jon has dami saved as 'angry boy♡' on his phone

 **Dumb Bitch:** thats so cute i think i cried

 **Save Me:** I can hear them yelling from the living room, are they okay

 **Dad 2.0:** billy just yelled....'im gay'  
**Dad 2.0:** what a big mood

 **Emo:** OMG I RELATE

 **Dumb Bitch:** ha gay

 **Emo:** youre dating cass

 **Dumb Bitch:** ha im gay

 **Black Bat:** update: Tim gave up and is now petting the good boy

 **Demon:** hello

**[Dad 2.0 has changed Demon's nickname to Angry Boy♡!]**

**Angry Boy♡:** are you fucking kidding me  
**Angry Boy♡** : anyways, my group would like to have a sleepover

 **Emo:** lets play never have i ever

 **Angry Boy♡:** no

 **Dumb Bitch:** never have i ever had my mother hate me

 **Angry Boy♡:** holy fucking shit

 **No Sleep:** never have i ever had my dad not know about me for 10 years

 **Angry Boy♡:** are you done yet

 **Dad 2.0:** never have i ever impulse bought a dog

 **Angry Boy♡:** never have i ever watched my parents fall to their death

 **Dad 2.0:** I WILL WHOOP YOUR ASS I SWEAR TO GOD

 **Emo:** YO YOU CAN TELL DAMIAN WAS WAITING FOR DICK TO SAY SOMETHING

 **Save Me:** Are you guys DONE YET

 **Black Bat:** what the fuck i leave for a minute and you've already pulled the dead parents card

 **Emo:** we have...problems

 **Black Bat:** yeah we do what the heck guys

 **Dad 2.0:** azdfdhfndfbvd  
**Dad 2.0:** the only thing that damian's group that they know about him is that his dad is bruce

 **Black Bat:** okay wow same  
**Black Bat:** speaking about Bruce, hes home and petting the good boy

 **Dad 2.0:** OH SHIT REALLY

 **Black Bat:** Yeah where are you

 **Dad 2.0:** watching dami and his group do a project  
 **Dad 2.0:** this is a whole mess

 **Save Me:** Update us

 **Dad 2.0:** well billy tried looking through dami's stuff to learn more about him  
 **Dad 2.0:** damian flipped his shit  
 **Dad 2.0:** while damian flipped his shit, maya found his sketchbook, i didn't even knew he did art and shit what but it is now too late for him to get it back

 **Save Me:** Is he good?

 **Dad 2.0:** YEAH HOLy shit i love my son

 **Angry Boy♡:** fuck off

 **Emo:** watch ur fckin profanity 

 **Angry Boy♡:**...

 **Emo:** shit

 **Black Bat:** are your friends still spending the night  
 **Black Bat:** bruce wants to know   
 **Black Bat:** so does alfred

 **Dad 2.0:** only jon can spend the night, everyone else is going home

 **No Sleep:** aw

 **Dad 2.0:** :(

 **Dumb Bitch:** i cant think of anything to change my nickname

 **Angry Boy♡:** point proven

 **Dumb Bitch:** fuck you

 **Emo:** aw man can i invite my friends for a sleepover

 **Dad 2.0:** no

 **Save Me:** No

 **Dumb Bitch:** no

 **Angry Boy♡:** no

 **No Sleep:** no

 **Black Bat:** no

 **Emo:** that is 3 pairs of no which means 3 yes  
 **Emo:** brb inviting roy over

 **Save Me:** NO

 **Emo:** :[

 **No Sleep:** that's ugly

 **Emo:** ur ugly 

 **Dumb Bitch:** oh snap

 **Dad 2.0:** jon is trying to convince damian to share bed  
 **Dad 2.0:** one of his pros was cuddling

 **Dumb Bitch:** bro thats cute  
 **Dumb Bitch:** how much you guys wanna bet on this shit

 **Emo:** 5

 **Save Me:** Dollars?

 **Emo:** cents

 **Black Bat:** i can do that

 **Emo:** 5 cents, dami ends up with colin

 **No Sleep:** i could lose or gain some cents  
 **No Sleep:** maya

 **Black Bat:** jon obviously

 **Dumb Bitch:** billy

 **Dad 2.0:** guys what the heck

 **Save Me:** i will also go with colin

 **Dad 2.0:** jon...

 **Angry Boy♡:** did you forget that i am in this group chat

 **Black Bat:** oh shit i did

 **Emo:** what bet i dont know what ur talking bout

 **Angry Boy♡:** what the fuck

 **Dad 2.0:** hold on

**[Dad 2.0 has added Jon Kent to the group chat!]**

**Angry Boy♡:** HE DOESN'T EVEN LIVE HERE

 **Dad 2.0:** NEITHER DOES STEPH OR CASS  
 **Dad 2.0:** HE'LL BE HERE FOR A DAY AN HONORARY WAYNE

 **Angry Boy♡:** so when does drake's title end

 **No Sleep:** can't you leave me alone for one day

 **Jon Kent:** uh is it always like this

 **Save Me:** Yes

**[Save Me has changed Jon Kent's nickname to Pure!]**

**Pure:** aw thank you :)  
 **Pure:** oh!! dami's nickname is his contact name :D

 **Angry Boy♡:** fuck

**[Angry Boy♡** **has changed their nickname to Damian!]**

**Dumb Bitch:** thats so boringgggg

**[Dumb Bitch has changed Damian's nickname to Jon's Second Wife!]**

**Pure:** what happened to my first wife? :o

 **Dumb Bitch:** nothing you can prove

 **Jon's Second Wife:** did you just make a tv show reference

 **No Sleep:** i got one

**[No Sleep has changed Jon's Second Wife's nickname to Al Ghul-Wayne!]**

**Al Ghul-Wayne:** i  
 **Al Ghul-Wayne:** fuck off

 **Pure:** Al Ghul?

 **Al Ghul-Wayne:** nothing

**[Al Ghul-Wayne has changed their nickname to Angry Boy♡!]**

**Save Me:** guys

 **Pure:**?

 **Black Bat:** yeah??

 **Save Me:** The adults do have a group chat! What!

 

**[7:11 PM - Tired Parents]**

**Clark:** I heard Jon is spending the night! Please return him in one piece :)

 **Bruce:** I will try, but I can not guarantee that Damian will not try to kill him

 **Barry:** guys what the heck they're kids

 **Hal:** kids are like monsters in disguise

 **Barry:** you love kids

 **Hal:** i love kids  
 **Hal:** and i will babysit if you need me to

 **Bruce:** No

 **Diana:** Have you told your kids about the woman you've been seeing recently?

 **Bruce:** Also...no

 **Hal:** diana do you even have kids

 **Diana:** You don't, but you are still here

 **Hal:** ah tooshie

 **Barry:** TOUCHE

 **Oliver:** i'm going to say this from the bottom of my heart  
 **Oliver:** shut up, thank you 


End file.
